Finding Balance

This week, I wanted to focus on a question that was left by a reader of our blog. She shared:

“I was a foster child for the last part of my teen years. I didn't feel like I was the foster kid, and truth, my foster family has continued to treat me like I am one of their own...The difficult part is integrating my biological family back into my life. It has been about 23 years since I became a "foster kid" and about 18 years since my bio family has been completely back in my life, although I never again lived with them.

I find it really hard to juggle the feelings between my love for my foster family and my love for my real family; especially trying to not hurt anyone's feelings… My question is all encompassing what I have shared above - is there some kind of class or support group to help people manage these relationships that, to me, assimilate a boat ride straight through the Bermuda Triangle some days? Seems I am always on some one's unmentionable list because I haven't figured out the perfect balance between them.”

Thank you, for sharing your personal experience, Stacie. You asked a great question.I tried to research a little bit on what may be out there because I am sure others may have a similar question. Most of what I found focused more on reunification, but I think this can be similar because both families are needing to adjust and find balance.

Back in 2004, a study was done looking at the role of attachment with infants and foster parents. One point that was stated was that the “foster child’s own attachment history” matters as well as “the foster parent’s state of mind regarding attachment, [which] has been found to be related to a foster child’s tendency to seek out a new caregiver when in distress” (Dozier & Stovall-McClough). I think this applies no matter the age of the child, and one important aspect to consider when blending biological and foster families is where the child is at. What is their level of attachment to their parent(s) and foster parent(s)? What should both families anticipate in this change? I don’t know that there is a clear cut way to solve the issue you bring up, but I do believe it begins with the two coming together and respecting one another in their roles.

In Adoptive Families Magazine, the authors of The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide noted some ways in which to help the process of reunification.  Although they were aimed at adoptive and biological families, I think it may be helpful as well for foster and biological families.  Here are several points they mentioned:

 1.  Remember that no two people are alike.  Don't make comparisons and gauge the success of your reunion relationship against another person's. There is no formula for success in reunion, only commonsense guidelines.

 2. Exercise caution, compassion, responsibility, and patience every step of the reunion journey. If you exercise these four principles, then you'll know that you've entered your reunion honorably, regardless of its outcome.

 3. Reunion should be embraced, not feared. Through reunion, many past fears and curiosities can be put to rest for all involved.

 4. Remember reunion may bring out the best or the worst in everyone. It unlocks emotions that have been buried for decades.

 5. Relationships aren't built overnight. This is particularly true of reunion relationships, which develop through stages over time.

 6. Have a good support system.

 7. Involve your family and close friends, and maintain an open line of communication with the people you care most about.

 8. Take baby steps in the relationships.

 Adoptive Families Magazine: "A Delicate Balance"

In NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” program, a foster mother illustrated the idea that the system often makes it feel that "there always seems to need to be a winner and a loser, people think that, you know, we can't just work better together" (NPR, Mar 2013).

You feel a pull for balance, but this is something foster parents and biological families can work to change. It is a difficult task, and team work is essential when building and maintaining relationships on both ends. Consideration and understanding view points, as well as each side trying to work together for the child's sake, at least. Although I couldn’t find exact classes on this, I know that the Utah Foster Care system has support groups. Family therapy can be a good resource if families need help fostering effective communication and other tools for adjustment. Perhaps even a blended families class can be taken such as is offered at the Family Support Center and other local facilities.  I think more can be done in addressing finding a balance, but I hope this may help a little bit. 

References:

Dozier, M.; Stovall-McClough, K. (2004). Forming attachments in foster care: Infant attachment behaviors during the first 2 months of placement. Development and Psychopathology, 16, 253-271.

NPR: Foster Care System: What Parents Wish We Knew